The Most Unprofessional Blog Post You Are Ever Likely To Read

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The Most Unprofessional Blog Post You Are Ever Likely To Read

Lets get one thing clear here  – as far as unprofessional blog posts go – this is likely to be a winner.

So…..if you don’t want to see images of the photographer on her Hen Weekend wearing just her future husbands work shirt and a pair of knickers ….then stop reading right now (and if you are wondering why, on my Hen Weekend, I am dressed in little more than my future husbands work clothes and a pair of knickers suffice it to say that I have WICKED friends)

One of said “Team Wicked Friends” is Nicki.

Nicki, like me, is a lady of a certain age. She has three BEAUTIFUL grown up daughters and I have been desperate to get the four of them in the studio for a mother/daughter sitting for YEARS.

Nicki adores her girls – but will she do this?  No, she will not.

And I don’t mean “No-but-keep-nagging-me-and-feeding-me-Prosecco-and-it might-happen”

I mean No. Non. Nada .Nein.

Nicki is the kind of friend who will surreptitiously take your Tequila shots for you when you are loosing spectacularly at the games your Hens have organised (and she did… you Nicki!) . However – she is also the friend who ‘No’ means ‘No’.

Three times a year (her birthday, Mothers Day and Christmas) I try to persuade her lovely husband, Kevin, to buy her a voucher for a sitting. Three times a year (his wifes birthday, Mothers Day and Christmas) Kevin points out that he is too young to die.

Nicki HATES  being photographed and hates herself in photographs. One of my Hen Party ‘Games’ was to pull random pairs of knickers out of a bag and guess which Hen they were from (Failure to do so resulting in the obligatory vodka or tequila shot)

Nicki’s contribution to the knicker bag didn’t take too much brain power (which was possibly just as well as, by this stage in the proceedings, my brain cells were becoming particularly compromised):-




If I ask Nicki  why she won’t be in a photograph with the people she clearly loves I get a whole LIST of things ‘wrong’ with her.

And I look at her aghast and say “But that’s not what I see”


Here’s a little ironic thingy for you!

On my Hen Weekend Nicki stole my camera and took it upon herself to photograph ME – or, specifically, my legs, as I was bending over (I know….I did tell you this was going to be unprofessional. But bear with me…… there is a point!)

When I turned round she was looking in abject disappointment at the picture she’d taken. And guess what she said:-

“Oh! That’s not what I see” 

And I looked at the image on the back of the camera and there it was – this pretty awful picture of my legs!!!

Now, in fairness, I knew two things looking at that image. Firstly I knew that it was probably not a good representation of my legs. You don’t spend four decades trying to find jeans to fit your “no-hips-no-bum-33″-inside-leg” (ie #shapedlikeaman) without understanding this.

But – crucially – I knew WHY it was such a bad representation of my legs. And that was all to do with the angle Nicki had taken it from.

However…you girls who keep telling me you ‘hate yourselves in photographs’ are seeing photographs like this ALL THE TIME! Because this is what you take. And this is what your friends take. And this is NOT WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE!

And I don’t know how to get this across to you without posting photographs of myself in a blog wearing little more than a pair of knickers.

Some of the problem is your phones. And I bang on about this all the time – the camera lens on your phone is not a portrait lens. You will get – and you will see – distortion in your images.

So what has gone on here then? Because this was not a phone photograph. This was taken on a camera. An EXPENSIVE camera. WITH a portrait lens!

Well….truthfully Peeps….not everything us photographers do comes down to the kit. Yes….the kit we use helps. But we do actually KNOW what we are doing! Most of us spend phenomenal amounts of time  and money training and honing our craft so that we can make you look like YOU in a photograph! Making you BELIEVE we can make you look like you is the problem!

I simply handed the camera back to Nicki and told her how to position herself and how to hold the camera. This was NOT a photography lesson…… this was one very drunk Hen in charge of a camera which she had no IDEA how to use. Re-positioned….she then took a second image




No photo-shopping. No airbrushing. No tweaking. Same Camera. Same lens. Same Old Broiler Hen. Same drunken photographer.  But two completely different sets of pins!




If you hate yourself in photographs girls just ask yourself something….  could it be because you have never been photographed properly? By someone who actually KNOWS how to use a camera!

Get in those photographs Ladies! Be photographed with the people you love FOR the people you love.

You will never get this time back.

Trust me! I’m the girl in the knickers!!